OK, so over the last 3 years I have had many parenting gut checks. For the purposes of this experience, I'm starting with A.
Our family, my father, husband, and myself, have been struggling with our little girl (3) with listening to us and following directions. It is constant that we ask her something and she says "in a minute" or "after this" or "when I'm ready". Often this happens when we are trying to get out the door to go somewhere or in a hurry for some reason or another. We are always in a hurry these days.
I was getting so frusterated with her and not sure of where to turn for advice.
I didn't have to go anywhere. God put it in my lap.
While reading The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P Nichols, PhD, I was gut punched. I was so taken aback and shameful that I left my reading, found my husband and told him what needed to change for me. I have learned that I need to use I statements and not we, then things sometimes change but I'll take ownership and hopefully the others will too.
In the section "The Listened-To Child is a Confident Child" (pg 36), it refrences children have leanred to be empethic by the time they are 4-5. Basically, they behave how they were taught. And they were taught by how the caregivers in their life treated them or each other. Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!
It was at that point that it dawned on me. Our little C says "after this" or "when I'm done with" or "when I'm ready" because I do the same thing to her. Just that morning, around 5:30 am, she came into our room and wanted "juice and a snack". We had her snack left from last night so we gave her that but she wanted juice. I told "in a minute, mamma is exhausted". Yup. That is where she learned it. I realized that I have been doing this to her often lately. After I"m done with this chapter, or after I finish watching the news, or can mamma just sleep for 10 more minutes. Yup, those little sponges emulate the behavior set before them. So now when she asks, unless it is absolutely unavoidable, I get up and do what she wants. She does need to say "please" and "thank you". Also, it is not for every little whim she has. Mostly it is when she is hungry or thirsty. She does not get the "surprise" when she wants it or a gift just because she is demanding one. We are reasonable, but I'm more aware of the "after this" or "when I'm done" aspects. She still has to wait to interrupt conversations and in situations like that, but overall I'm adjusting my behavior when warranted. I don't want to raise an over demanding child either. Balance, right?
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Educated on White Privilege (never done)
This semester has been a gut check type of semester. Growing up, I was always so upset by racist jokes or sexist jokes. I was so proud that I looked beyond color while I was living in my very white area of the country. My doctor was from India, a friend in high school was from India, another friend was Korean, and I was open to meeting all kids of people. I'm not a racist.
In college I was confronted with different lifestyles and met face to face with multiple races. I was ok with anyone doing what they wanted, just don't flaunt it and we are all good.
While I was teaching, I made sure to not focus on any student and avoided direct confrontations. Students can be who they want to be, just don't upset the apple cart.
The community I live in, historically was mainline, status quo, white middle-class, keep to yourself and it is all good. Recently this has started to change. I didn't mind because I was open to any lifestyles, just don't upset the apple cart.
Then February started and the gut-checks started.
What exactly is racism. Who are us and who are them? Who are the marginalized? Why can they not better themselves? Why do I have to change in order for others to be OK. Why can't they just fit in?
Education. I thought seminary was going to be study of the bible, what are we supposed to tell others to believe, and this is how to perform the sacraments. I was wrong.
The first diversity training in February started to open my eyes to the possibility that I had this whole marginalized thing wrong. In reading I'm Still Here by Austin Channing Brown, my eyes were opened up to the amount of hurt caused by "not upsetting the apple cart". Maybe the apple cart does need to be upset. Reading and processing the perspective given through the reading, I realized that it is not just a city issue. It is happening in our own backyards. The racial divide is being perpetuated by our community by going in and have to "fix" another area. Why are the areas of Appalachia looked down upon? Why is the inner city of Detroit or Chicago viewed as less than? So often our youth groups and other charity groups go into these communities to fix them and then move on. Do they need to be fixed or do they need pathways for change?
Society needs to change. The white leadership needs to change the way it leads. But how? That seems to be the biggest quesiton. Do small things help in the big picture? Can I do something that will effect and affect change in our world?
One think I do know is that I have to work on me. How that looks, not positive yet. But I do that I have to work on my views of all those who do not inhabit my body. How I view men, children, races, orientations, identification, everything. It is all in an upheaval in my brain.
That is what education is for. I'm being formed over these 4 years and beyond. Formed to love all of God's creation.
In college I was confronted with different lifestyles and met face to face with multiple races. I was ok with anyone doing what they wanted, just don't flaunt it and we are all good.
While I was teaching, I made sure to not focus on any student and avoided direct confrontations. Students can be who they want to be, just don't upset the apple cart.
The community I live in, historically was mainline, status quo, white middle-class, keep to yourself and it is all good. Recently this has started to change. I didn't mind because I was open to any lifestyles, just don't upset the apple cart.
Then February started and the gut-checks started.
What exactly is racism. Who are us and who are them? Who are the marginalized? Why can they not better themselves? Why do I have to change in order for others to be OK. Why can't they just fit in?
Education. I thought seminary was going to be study of the bible, what are we supposed to tell others to believe, and this is how to perform the sacraments. I was wrong.
The first diversity training in February started to open my eyes to the possibility that I had this whole marginalized thing wrong. In reading I'm Still Here by Austin Channing Brown, my eyes were opened up to the amount of hurt caused by "not upsetting the apple cart". Maybe the apple cart does need to be upset. Reading and processing the perspective given through the reading, I realized that it is not just a city issue. It is happening in our own backyards. The racial divide is being perpetuated by our community by going in and have to "fix" another area. Why are the areas of Appalachia looked down upon? Why is the inner city of Detroit or Chicago viewed as less than? So often our youth groups and other charity groups go into these communities to fix them and then move on. Do they need to be fixed or do they need pathways for change?
Society needs to change. The white leadership needs to change the way it leads. But how? That seems to be the biggest quesiton. Do small things help in the big picture? Can I do something that will effect and affect change in our world?
One think I do know is that I have to work on me. How that looks, not positive yet. But I do that I have to work on my views of all those who do not inhabit my body. How I view men, children, races, orientations, identification, everything. It is all in an upheaval in my brain.
That is what education is for. I'm being formed over these 4 years and beyond. Formed to love all of God's creation.
Looking back, it has been been since October 2nd that I have been too busy to be on here. Was it avoidance? Was it lack of time? What caused this break in time. Lots of things. Mostly, it was lack of desire to write and the overwhelming need to write on the reading for the day that I didn't have time to complete.
So. Let's try something different. I'm not sure anyone actually reads this besides me and that is quite fine. It is my time to reflect, vent, ponder, open up and just be with my thoughts in a place that may or may not be seen by others. Some posts will be short, some long, and many are guaranteed to be random. Hopefully it is everyday, but it may not be. It will all play out in the end.
Trying to get back in to the idea of accountability for Spiritual Practices for school, the book Sacred Pauses by April Yamasaki is the book for this semester. It lays out different ways to take a moment throughout the day to be present and become renewed.
Thus far this semester, I have been trying to keep my head above water or at least not drown while I have slipped under the surface. Trying to keep up with all the reading, writing, classes, and social aspects of Seminary along with the demands of work and the joy found in family, it often overwhelming. I know that I have this through God who strengthens me.
My 3-year-old knows it is time for mommy to do school work and that she cannot interrupt me in the office. Is that a good thing? I miss her so much when I hear her running around playing and having fun with daddy or papa and I'm down in the office with the door closed trying to get things done. Last weekend, I asked my husband to take her to my in-laws so I could do school work and not feel guilty for not playing with her or giving the tubby or getting her dressed. Last night I took her to a finance meeting at church because I wanted to spend time with her if I wasn't stuck in a book or on the computer writing or in a meeting/class.
I need to find a balance, and this might just be the way. Maybe. It is worth a shot.
Back to the book. Chapter 1 states to find an ordinary object to use and when it is visible to take a moment and pray, reflect, or whatever but be reminded to just be and breathe. I need to find that object for me. I think I know what I want to use, but I need to find the box it is packed away in yet. I'll keep the blog updated. lol
Chapter 2 says to start journal or reflecting. I am going to try this as the journal aspect. It is not as private as a book, that I will probably misplace, or an online software, that costs money, but it is a place that if I don't promote it, maybe it will stay semi private and free. I can hope. And if someone is actually interested in this journey enough to read these random topics, venting, and reflection sections, maybe they will pray for me, the struggles I am having, or donate to the wish list I have on amazon for books that I cannot afford but need to purchase. Or send a cash donation to pay for daycare or many of the other needs.
Chapter 3 says to find silence. That is something that is both extremely difficult and easy as well. It is difficult because to find the time to just sit with my thoughts is often difficult. Previously, I would have music or the TV on in the background all the time. Now I find that the silence of just my thoughts and readings are needed. I never really paid attention to what was on the TV or radio while studying but not things have changed.
Chapter 4 asks us to look at scripture. That is the one aspect that I have struggled with for many, many years. It is something to focus on this year. The Bible is so daunting in the size and scope. Where to begin. I liked the ideas she proposes to look at topics, maybe chunk up the reading, other other options.
We will see how this all goes.
Blessings on the day
MS
So. Let's try something different. I'm not sure anyone actually reads this besides me and that is quite fine. It is my time to reflect, vent, ponder, open up and just be with my thoughts in a place that may or may not be seen by others. Some posts will be short, some long, and many are guaranteed to be random. Hopefully it is everyday, but it may not be. It will all play out in the end.
Trying to get back in to the idea of accountability for Spiritual Practices for school, the book Sacred Pauses by April Yamasaki is the book for this semester. It lays out different ways to take a moment throughout the day to be present and become renewed.
Thus far this semester, I have been trying to keep my head above water or at least not drown while I have slipped under the surface. Trying to keep up with all the reading, writing, classes, and social aspects of Seminary along with the demands of work and the joy found in family, it often overwhelming. I know that I have this through God who strengthens me.
My 3-year-old knows it is time for mommy to do school work and that she cannot interrupt me in the office. Is that a good thing? I miss her so much when I hear her running around playing and having fun with daddy or papa and I'm down in the office with the door closed trying to get things done. Last weekend, I asked my husband to take her to my in-laws so I could do school work and not feel guilty for not playing with her or giving the tubby or getting her dressed. Last night I took her to a finance meeting at church because I wanted to spend time with her if I wasn't stuck in a book or on the computer writing or in a meeting/class.
I need to find a balance, and this might just be the way. Maybe. It is worth a shot.
Back to the book. Chapter 1 states to find an ordinary object to use and when it is visible to take a moment and pray, reflect, or whatever but be reminded to just be and breathe. I need to find that object for me. I think I know what I want to use, but I need to find the box it is packed away in yet. I'll keep the blog updated. lol
Chapter 2 says to start journal or reflecting. I am going to try this as the journal aspect. It is not as private as a book, that I will probably misplace, or an online software, that costs money, but it is a place that if I don't promote it, maybe it will stay semi private and free. I can hope. And if someone is actually interested in this journey enough to read these random topics, venting, and reflection sections, maybe they will pray for me, the struggles I am having, or donate to the wish list I have on amazon for books that I cannot afford but need to purchase. Or send a cash donation to pay for daycare or many of the other needs.
Chapter 3 says to find silence. That is something that is both extremely difficult and easy as well. It is difficult because to find the time to just sit with my thoughts is often difficult. Previously, I would have music or the TV on in the background all the time. Now I find that the silence of just my thoughts and readings are needed. I never really paid attention to what was on the TV or radio while studying but not things have changed.
Chapter 4 asks us to look at scripture. That is the one aspect that I have struggled with for many, many years. It is something to focus on this year. The Bible is so daunting in the size and scope. Where to begin. I liked the ideas she proposes to look at topics, maybe chunk up the reading, other other options.
We will see how this all goes.
Blessings on the day
MS
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)