The Tormentor and Tormented: What lies at the root of the bulling issue?

 

Recently there have been a lot of posts about ways to change bullying and mental health issues in our schools in light of the recent events in local schools.

     If you knew me throughout K-12, I was the one picked on daily by almost everyone. I hated going to school each day except for a few teachers who took pity on me and allowed me to hide out in their rooms to escape the torment for even 30 minutes at lunch. The scars, though invisible, affect me to this day with relationships, parenting, and being my authentic self.

     This is not to be a “poor me” post. It is one of actual inquiry to anyone who was either a tormentor or the tormented.

     I have to wonder if those who bully realize they are doing it at the time? Do they think it is a joke, having a good time or good laugh, or do those who bully just like to watch the person they have directed their behaviors too squirm, feel uncomfortable, or watch them deteriorate, emotionally/physically react and then keep at it for a greater reaction? Do they really intend to scar that person for life or is something they don’t even think about until they are in the moment? When the one who is bullied decides to put on a strong outside defense, does the bully decide to only be worse to get the reaction and when it does not happen, continue or more on? Will they remember 10-20-40 years down the road what they did as a bully like the ones they tormented? Will both sides relive the events every single time there is a success taking of life? I wonder how many of those who bully think about suicide. How deep is the issue? How many adults fear their child will be treated the same or worse than they were growing up through no fault of their own except they attend school with the children of those with whom they graduated? Do those who were the tormentors in school fear their children might be treated like they treated others growing up and then teach their children the only way to survive is to be the "stronger" personality?

    The bully/bullied relationship is a tightrope to walk. I have heard and read that those that bully have their own issues and confidence issues which cause them to bully others to feel good.

    Answering the questions of wonder may get us closer to the root of the issue. People have tormented others throughout history. It is not a new thing. There is more awareness now. I was able to escape the torment by going home and hiding out at my house. It was the only safe place along with a few relatives. Answering the landline was not even safe as there were often prank calls at all hours of the day and night. Now, with social media, it seems to have grown beyond the K-12 environment to all ages and demographics. When there are groups on social media designed for “free expression” without monitoring which allows for the tormenting to happen unchecked, it is clear this is not a “childhood” problem.

     I cannot speak for all situations, only from mine and my perspective. I have seen those who tormented me on social media tormenting others, blaming others, or calling for solutions to problems they created. I see people who have children who are tormentors in school, going home to tell of being tormented, and the parent supporting their child as a victim, which they may be in retaliation, but not willing to see there might be something deeper. They are those who were tormented looking for ways to not have their children experience the same thing, working to spread kindness, only to have conversations with little who are teased because they were kind.

     We all say befriend the one who is alone, the outcast, and include those who do not have friends. Only to be teased and sidelined for helping and doing just as the parents asked them to do by other children. It is a no win situation, yet it is one that will only snowball as we become more and more hidden behind technology and have less and less personal interaction with each other.

     I pray there is an end to the viscous cycle of bully/bullied. I look to and brainstorm ways to fix the issues our young ones face. The ideas are bountiful but ideas are just dreams until everyone buys into the concept. When adults cannot even have a civil conversation about differences, how can we expect littles to have them as well.

     In my opinion, it really needs to start with adults and their attitude changes. When there has to be groups formed on social media to allow the same behaviors to go unchecked, it seems the root of the problem is much deeper then anyone want to acknowledge.