The Tormentor and Tormented: What lies at the root of the bulling issue?

 

Recently there have been a lot of posts about ways to change bullying and mental health issues in our schools in light of the recent events in local schools.

     If you knew me throughout K-12, I was the one picked on daily by almost everyone. I hated going to school each day except for a few teachers who took pity on me and allowed me to hide out in their rooms to escape the torment for even 30 minutes at lunch. The scars, though invisible, affect me to this day with relationships, parenting, and being my authentic self.

     This is not to be a “poor me” post. It is one of actual inquiry to anyone who was either a tormentor or the tormented.

     I have to wonder if those who bully realize they are doing it at the time? Do they think it is a joke, having a good time or good laugh, or do those who bully just like to watch the person they have directed their behaviors too squirm, feel uncomfortable, or watch them deteriorate, emotionally/physically react and then keep at it for a greater reaction? Do they really intend to scar that person for life or is something they don’t even think about until they are in the moment? When the one who is bullied decides to put on a strong outside defense, does the bully decide to only be worse to get the reaction and when it does not happen, continue or more on? Will they remember 10-20-40 years down the road what they did as a bully like the ones they tormented? Will both sides relive the events every single time there is a success taking of life? I wonder how many of those who bully think about suicide. How deep is the issue? How many adults fear their child will be treated the same or worse than they were growing up through no fault of their own except they attend school with the children of those with whom they graduated? Do those who were the tormentors in school fear their children might be treated like they treated others growing up and then teach their children the only way to survive is to be the "stronger" personality?

    The bully/bullied relationship is a tightrope to walk. I have heard and read that those that bully have their own issues and confidence issues which cause them to bully others to feel good.

    Answering the questions of wonder may get us closer to the root of the issue. People have tormented others throughout history. It is not a new thing. There is more awareness now. I was able to escape the torment by going home and hiding out at my house. It was the only safe place along with a few relatives. Answering the landline was not even safe as there were often prank calls at all hours of the day and night. Now, with social media, it seems to have grown beyond the K-12 environment to all ages and demographics. When there are groups on social media designed for “free expression” without monitoring which allows for the tormenting to happen unchecked, it is clear this is not a “childhood” problem.

     I cannot speak for all situations, only from mine and my perspective. I have seen those who tormented me on social media tormenting others, blaming others, or calling for solutions to problems they created. I see people who have children who are tormentors in school, going home to tell of being tormented, and the parent supporting their child as a victim, which they may be in retaliation, but not willing to see there might be something deeper. They are those who were tormented looking for ways to not have their children experience the same thing, working to spread kindness, only to have conversations with little who are teased because they were kind.

     We all say befriend the one who is alone, the outcast, and include those who do not have friends. Only to be teased and sidelined for helping and doing just as the parents asked them to do by other children. It is a no win situation, yet it is one that will only snowball as we become more and more hidden behind technology and have less and less personal interaction with each other.

     I pray there is an end to the viscous cycle of bully/bullied. I look to and brainstorm ways to fix the issues our young ones face. The ideas are bountiful but ideas are just dreams until everyone buys into the concept. When adults cannot even have a civil conversation about differences, how can we expect littles to have them as well.

     In my opinion, it really needs to start with adults and their attitude changes. When there has to be groups formed on social media to allow the same behaviors to go unchecked, it seems the root of the problem is much deeper then anyone want to acknowledge.

Election Day 1

 Just watched a video and read comments on a post. It was a celebrety that was also preaching about following God. he called for a revival and that voting the way God would want you. To protect yoruself because of the possible civil war that is going to happen in a few hours/days. Arm yourself because God said to pick up your weapon and sell your cloak if you did not have a weapon. I started listening becasue I thought it was going the way I thought, toward voting democratic. I was wrong. Although it was never mentioned which way to vote, looking at the comments and his facebook page, it was obvious it was pro-Trump. https://www.facebook.com/watch/moonshinertyler/ the video was titled: 2020 Election and Civil War

I started a response and was going to post it on the page. I could not actually hit send. I am a coward when it comes to being rebuked and honestly, did not want to deal with the push back that would likely happen on that page. I am going to do a response and I'll post it on here as well.

This was my initial response:

Are you serving the Lord? This country is divided. Neither side is for God. You can proof text from the Hebrew Bible (OT) but the NT calls for caring for the hungry, the sick, the poor. Turn the other cheek. Lay down all that you have and follow Jesus. We are called to protect the vulnerable. Jesus was a refugee. Would we recognize Jesus today? Jesus in Luke 6 begins to teach about the ideal way to live. Are we living that way today? Neither party is living out the Christian ideals. One leader is known for violating the commandments given to us and the other has sinned a well. Humans sin. One claims and promotes a religious stance, one quietly lives out those beliefs. One has been served and one serves. One seeks power, one seeks unity. One looks out for some, one looks out for all. I know this won't change anyone's mind. Pride is difficult in that way. Seeing opposition in the other is one way to live. Seeing God in all people is another. This world is living in sin. The world overall is sinful. Humans are sinful. It is dying each day to sin and doing good works because of God's love. God does not run from us. God is always there, waiting on sinful humans to wake up. You don't chase down God. You don't run after God to find favor in God. God is waiting on you. God is there. God is everywhere, working in and through each of us, in all forms, in all places. God is good. We are a country built on separation of church and state. That is one freedom that is fought and died for. Jesus acknowledged the state as an establishment and not of God's Kingdom when he stated "give to Caesar what is his and give to God what is God's." (Mt 22.21) Christian's cannot serve two masters, serve God. Choose according to how God and Jesus would want for the one who treat each other in the ways that Jesus taught. 

My official response:

Your message is interesting. As a fellow Christian and sibling in Christ, I will agree to disagree on where God leads me in following what the Bible teaches that Jesus would want me to uphold. Using the beatitudes a a starting place, turning the other cheek, and looking out for the other, that is where I will start. Your message is strong. As a sibling, it is common to disagree. Theology will do that. Debate is often held. Proof-texting certain parts and not taking the whole NT into account with such a strong focus on the OT (Hebrew Bible) is interesting. Blessings to all. 

response to Pro Life Posts

 

Banning abortion, even if it is "wrong" in the eye of the beholder, will not stop abortion. They occurred before Roe v Wade (hence the law suit) and will happen after. Now it is regulated and controlled. Abortion numbers are down because of access to health care, birth control options, and will go down when the "need" is no longer there. With higher living wages, healthcare options, easier access to adoption, adequate housing options, universal access to mental health care, greater access to supports for families, single parent households, etc. and

Neither party is perfect. There are so many issues.

This picture is more Pro-birth not pro-life. A mother's life is also valuable or does the value of a life stop once it is out of the uterus?

It is not always done as a "birth-control" method like some would like everyone believe. I'm sure there are some that are. Their are also stories about heart breaking, life altering events, where both lives are at the root of the issue.

Not caring for the poor, the immigrants, the sick, the naked, the homeless, the underemployed, the elderly, the differently able, etc. is Wrong as well.

not finished in my lifetime

For a class we had to write about "isms" in our life. Prior to this journey, I thought I had dealt with the "isms" in my views and perceptions.

I was wrong.

One area we are focusing on is racism. Systemic racism within communities and the Church. In my fieldwork class, we read a portion of a novel from Ta-Nehisi Coates' book "Between The World and Me". I was curious about the excerpt because I didn't understand the references to "body" and other ideas. I decided to do a search for more information and found many, many YouTube videos of his interviews for his books and found on this this book. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xRq4wx5wnE) My eyes were opened about a different way to think about this as it seems so overwhelming to change an entire denomination's outlook on inclusion in my ministry. Mr. Coates explains around minute 47 of the video the longstanding fight of the African American people from slavery and beyond. Paraphrased he said that it was exceedingly rare to see real change in one lifetime. He referenced slavery being 250 years in our country and those who fought against in during the middle years around 1750 would have had 3-4 generations behind them a slaves and 3-4 generations before them as slaves, yet they fought. He also said that your vision is impoverished if you thinking you will see it (whatever you are fighting for) to be realized in your lifetime. Wow. I have felt so guilty lately for not being able to see how this change could happen right now in my little home congregation. I feel a bit of relief or grace to hear that I can work for equality and working for inclusion of all "isms" in the Church yet it is okay if it does not happen totally in my tenure as a pastor. But I have to fight. I have to work on my and the places I minister to work toward inclusion of all God's family to be included and loved.

This will be a long road. For myself, I have many preconceived notions and learned behaviors and thoughts to move beyond. I have much learning to do. I have much to pray about and discern. There is a lot of work to do in our congregaitons through God's love and to be open to loving all.

It will not be easy, but I will work toward a more inclusive world, church, home, and life.

Scapegoats during the Pandemic

Anxiety is high in the US and around the world. Anxiety is higher than normal in Michigan this since the stay-at-home orders have come down form the governor. This is like a cover on a boiling pot. It can either explode or simmer down depending on the heat that is thrown on the fire. Who throws that heat onto the fire is each person. We stoke our fires.

"I'm not anxious" is a statement I hear a lot or "I don't have anxiety". Unfortunately, mental health issues are seen as a weakness and those who need the help, especially now, are not finding the help.

Our society has become a society that places blame everywhere in order to survive. I know that I place blame on others for little things that I cannot control. My daughter doesn't sleep though the night. Other's don't follow deadlines. The police are too picky with speed limit overage. The stores charge too much for pop. It is easy to place blame when it is something I cannot control or I don't want to control. Could I work on a sleep pattern with my daughter, yes. Could I ignore her cries at night, yes. Could I follow the speed limits on the roadways, yes. Could I set up boundary lines that I don't work around to please everyone, yes. Are there things I could do that I choose to blame others for, yes.

I think we all do.

Do I blame the governor for taking away my rights? I could say yes and call there all these names. I could say she is doing it for the good of the state. I could go off blaming democrats for this or the republicans for that. I could go off and blame those still going to store, to parks, and protesting or I could look at myself and what I am doing.

I/We, in my household, have chosen to abide by the stay-at-home as much as possible. However, we have not been strict about it. We have chosen to support local establishments that are still open for meals out, chains and local. I have run to the local grocery stores and gone inside as well as opted for pick up from a big box store. I carry hand sanitizer in the car and use it as well as wear my mask at the store and when we go in to pick up food. My husband is still working and he is taking precautions when he comes home. We are not visiting family that does not live with us. We take walks around the block and converse with neighbors, from a safe distance. We also go for drives when being in the house is just too much to handle anymore. We are blessed with the options we have during this time. We worship from home with our current pastor and a former one. I would say more "church" happens in this home since the pandemic hit than before.

Social media is a soul sucking medium that I allow into my life. Often I have to distance from it in order to get things done. You can find out what is happening in almost every state just by looking at the video feature on Facebook. One can also find worship services from all over the world, reflections from pastors, seminarians and others. One can find the conspiracy theories, commentaries, reruns of news feeds and late night monologues, and individual rants and raves. Groups to support your thoughts and beliefs abound. Even Facebook has joined the bandwagon to intercede with warnings for false information about the virus and other videos shared online.

I am overwhelmed by the number of forwarded videos and posts I have received in the last month. (Just an FYI 99.9% of what is sent to me dies a lonely death in my inbox if it is not a personal message.) I have blocked certain websites and posting parties, stopped following a few sites, and wish I could figure out how to block a few people from seeing the posts I put on Facebook (haha).

This week has come to a apex (I hope) in people's tolerance or intolerance for others. Finding a scapegoat is the way many cope. In an article written by Rev. Dr. Craig Nessan, he references Rene Girard who states that "scapegoating" is often done in times of high anxiety. Those who commit the scapegoating "genuinely believe their course of action to be justified" (Nessen, 396) and that is ringing true in our pandemic situation here. Some Michiganders, and others around the US, are blaming the governor and calling her everything from a tyrant to Hitler for the newest stay-at-home order because they are upset they cannot use motorboats or buy flowers and seeds at big box stores over 50,000 square feet. Thousands traveled to the state capital, some drove over 300 miles, and caused "gridlock" in the capital. The original idea was to stay in your car, drive slow, social distance, and be respectful to the medical community. The idea, though intentions were positive, did not come to fruition as people gathered on the lawn, didn't use protective gear, and mingled within six feet of each other. Even police were seen without the protective gear. Reports of medical workers and ambulances not being able to get to the local hospital were reported and it is a level 1 trauma hospital from what I read.

How have we come to this point in our society? A rhetorical question because the answer is too disheartening to want to know for sure. Why do we allow ourselves to look at what is good for use compared to the good of society.

I am trying to take the governor and her colleagues at their word that this is all for the good of the people and the restrictions will be lifted and all the "freedomes" will come back when things settle down. Will that be in two weeks, a month, a year, or longer. Do I even want things to go back to "normal"? What is normal? Should it go back to normal?

Some things I would like to come out of this situation?
1. Seeing smiles from others again.
2. Visiting family and human contact with loved ones.
3. Keep spending time as a family unit, eating together.
4. Worshiping in person with others in a physical place and visiting other congregations.
5. Not running the rat race of activities, meetings, work, and "life".
6. Going out to eat and a movie

I pray that we all survive this time of high anxiety and fear. I pray that we can come together as a human family and unite behind those who are vulnearable. I pray we will all give each other some grace to just be.

Thank you to all who are working to be contientious of our fellow humans. Thank you to all those who are on the front lines and don't have the option to not work and not stay home. Thank you to all who are looking out for their fellow humans even if others are not looking out for themselves.

Thank you all!

Blessings
Melissa

Congratulations and Condolances to the Class of 2020

Dear Class of 2020

Congratulation on all the accomplishments over the past 18 years. Your young lives have experienced so much that you are/were not able to comprehend. You were born into the aftermath of a national tragedy. You grew up only knowing foreign wars and an undercurrent of dislike or hatred for others based on nationality or religion. Your parents rejoiced and cried a bit on your first day of preschool, kindergarten and each year since. You survived elementary school and learning to tie your shoes and slip on your winter clothes to be at the front of the line to get the best swing or your group could get the best part of the sledding hill. You learned "new" math and have survived algebra and, for some, calculus. Graphic organizers have been mastered and, hopefully, retained to help you when you have to write in the future. Science class prepared you to cultivate your gardens and create, experiment, and test your hypothesis for fixing the furnace (or anything you run into) on your own later in life. You survived middle school, hopefully unharmed, and survived the first 3.5 years of high school. Some completed sports seasons, some tried out. Some mastered the arts in theater and muisc while others focused on social justice issues or were socially awkward. Congratulations. You made it to your senior year. You are on your way to life after high school. Congratulations.

Condolances on all you will miss during the last few months of your senior year. These are huge in your life. Things that only happen during your senior year. I/We acknowledge you are missing out on so many things. Nothing adults can say will ease this pain. It is real to you and that is the most important. It only makes us feel better to "justify" the losses.

In this time, grieve for what you have missed. Take the time to be angry, scream, cry out, cuss, do what you need to do. Take time to pray. Pray for healing, for acceptance, and for opportunities to emerge from this time of disappointment.

I/We grieve with you. It doesn't matter what other generations have gone though. This is YOUR reality. YOUR time of trial. YOUR losses. YOUR disappointments. YOUR life. Allow yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself time to heal.

Look forward to the summer and fall. What is next on your list of accomplishments. Do you plan to start college? Did you have a job lined up? Are you applying at the work bank for a job? Did you have a job you will return to? Could you start your own business and/or do something you love?

The world is open to any and all possibilities for you. Your class, the Class of 2020 is strong, resiliant, and will overcome this time of trial to be triumphant and show this world that missing a graduation ceremony is nothing compared to all the great things this class, YOU, will achieve.

Blessings to each and every member of the Class of 2020.

How has cyberbullying personally affected you?

(From a scholarship application) 

 

How has cyberbullying personally affected you?

Free speech and social media combine to create a culture where humans believe is it acceptable to speak all thoughts that come to mind without consideration for others. Unfortunately, cyberbullying is not confined to school age humans. Bullying has occurred throughout the ages for all age groups. However, with the popularity and accessibility of social media, it occurs more frequently and is more vicious.

            As someone who has experienced bullying throughout life, social media brings history into the present. Humans hide behind screens to attack others, particularly strangers. On a post for Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, my House of Representatives representative wrote about equality for all, to “recommit to his legacy of compassion, love, and service,”[1] to help everyone, and to promote minorities. My comment asked him to “remember all those oppressed in the US and around the world and those without basic human rights.”[2] It continued to ask him to look at the Israel/Palestine situation. One comment was on “my hate” that came through in this post. Additional attacks came from strangers with many assumptions. Granted, nothing in this post threatened my life, my wellbeing, or my family. I know many on social media experience death threats and are put down or humiliated. This is one little way that many people assume things about others because of a belief that is expressed.

            In these days of the pandemic for COVID-19, the worst sides of people are shown all the ways. Often these are tied to politics. The democratic Governor Whitmer of Michigan has been called a Nazi, dictator, and vulgar feminine terms because of the stay-home stay-safe orders enacted under her constitutional rights during the emergency declaration. Some of these comments are done by other representatives and leaders. If this can be done, then what does that teach other humans, especially the teenage ones who are watching and old enough to remember what is happening as they grown into adults.

            The change is systemic just as the idea of bullying is systemic. Humans, for the most part, continue the attitudes and carry on the values learned in the home. There are times when change occurs though the “black sheep” in the family that turns either for the better or the worse. Changing the bullying is difficult. Yes, it has been around since the beginning of time. There has always been a power struggle; however, through examples of love, compassion, positive expressions, and tolerance will slowly change the lives of other humans. Leadership and those in power need to be the be the beacon of hope. Someone who can overcome the negative, hatred, nasty comments, and address those with love, compassion, positive expressions and tolerance. I will emulate those examples in my life and work toward a more accepting world.

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[1] Rep. Jack Bergman, Facebook Post, January 20, 2020.

[2] Rep. Jack Bergman, Facebook Post Comment by Melissa Salminen, January 20, 2020